I Dream of Laura

Today, July 18, 2023  is the fifth anniversary of Laura’s death at age 52. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since we lost my daughter. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think of Laura. Truth be told she was seriously ill for decades with Type 1 diabetes and kidney disease but that didn’t stop her from being all she could be, which was a lot, more than manny people ever achieve. But it was a car accident that ushered in the end. The day she died I had an incredibly vivid dream that was and is intensely personal which I’ve never shared with anyone. Now I’ve decided to share it to help remind myself that we are somehow connected across space and time in ways that are beyond my normal beliefs  about physical reality. So here’s what I wrote several days after that  awful day—

I want to write this before it fades. It already started to. It’s Sunday July 22, 2018. My Laura died on the 18th around noon Denver time.

Laura had been in the hospital for a week since the car accident. I talked to her the previous Sunday the 15th and it was so good to hear her.  Jack was there helping to make the call. She said she wanted to talk to me to let me know what was going on and that she was eventually going to be ok. I was somewhat relieved. I knew she was in pain but we talked about going to rehab on Thu. or Fri. and that it would be a long recovery. But she sounded ok. We ended with both saying I love you. 

I had a terrible nights sleep Tuesday night into Wednesday, 5 hrs 54 minutes according to Fitbit. I had a terrible dream that’s hard to recall. In the dream there were two girls being stalked by a madman killer. Was one Laura? I was there, sometimes as just as an observer and sometimes as some sort of helper. I told the girls they had to run. There were run-ins with the killer and I think people were dying but the girls ran. They got into a car and there was a chase. But over time they increased there lead and then were in the clear.  They got to a point where they were just riding down an open road and passed a mall or some shops. They decided to stop and shop. I was yelling at them saying you can’t stop, you have to keep going, the killer will catch you. I don’t know if they couldn’t hear me or just ignored me but they went shopping. Sure enough the killer showed up. There was a chase and I think I stepped in somehow to help. 

I awoke to a phone call from David telling me that Laura had gone into cardiac arrest, they had resuscitated her, and she was on a ventilator. I think he said the doctors said to prepare for the end, her organs were shutting down. I couldn’t talk. Not to much later, maybe am hour, not more that two, he called and said she was gone. I couldn’t talk. I could hear the emotion in his voice.

I don.t know what that dream was about but I’d like to think Laura and I were connecting and I was there to try to help when she needed me.  I’d like to think she was reaching out to me. The other thought is that it was just a random crazy dream whose timing was a coincidence. I’ll never really know but I favor the first idea. I’ll choose that.